Ups and downs

I have been feeling a mix of emotions lately with school starting back. A couple of days ago I got really sad that I won't be setting up my classroom and getting ready for my students...I always enjoyed the "getting ready" part of teaching, with a clean slate and ideas of what the year ahead will look like. I liked seeing the teachers I haven't seen all summer again and hearing about what they did over their summer vacations. I liked seeing my new student's little tanned, fresh faces at "Back to school night" and meeting all of them. I knew what to expect. I knew what was expected of ME. There were routines I could settle back in to...grading papers, writing my newsletter, lesson plans, bulletin boards, etc. Not all of this is necessarily FUN, mind you, but I have been doing essentially the same thing for the past 7 years. No longer! I now have the occupation of MOMMY. But I think where I'm struggling is that, right now, I don't know what is expected of me in this profession. Caleb doesn't really DO a lot right now. Sleeps, eats, fills his diaper...:) Which makes me a little stir crazy, but I'm hesitant to take him out in public by myself because I am scared he'll have a meltdown and I'll look stupid and people will think I'm a bad mommy. I know how ridiculous that sounds when I say it out loud (type it out loud?) but it's how I feel. I love when people come by the house, offer to babysit, or when Bryan makes me get OUT of the house because it makes me feel a little more like myself. I hate asking for help, but I think I am going to have to get over that! I can't wait for the part of mommyhood where I can do things with Caleb--cook, play, go to the library, teach him things, etc. but I know I shouldn't wish this part of babyhood away either, because I'll miss it when it's gone. Sigh.